Past the Point of No Return
by Lady Callie
Summary: She's lost her true love, her mother, faced six or seven Apocalypses, and was sucked out of heaven. How much farther does Buffty have to go before she passes the point of no return? DARK FIC!


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Disclaimer- Joss the shipper Slayer owns all. I'm simply borrowing them. I borrowed the title from 'Phantom of the Opera'.

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Rating- PG-13 for dark content

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Summary- She's lost her true love, her mother, faced six or seven Apocalypses, and was sucked out of heaven. How much farther does Buffy have to go before she passes the point of no return? Her true feelings about being back. Set post 'Doublemeat Palace' and the days after.

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Authors notes- I wrote this right after seeing DMP. The episode wasn't the greatest, but I saw a lot happen to Buffy's character. I believe she's dying again, only this time her soul is dying. She may have told Willow she doesn't want to die, and I don't really think she does, but living is becoming too hard. Again, this is really really dark and if you don't like that stuff, turn back. 

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Authors notes 2- Huggles to my beta-boo Queen_Gwenyvere and Cat Lady Heather for taping Buffy every night for me. And for those of you who are following 'Finding my forever'...it has been updated!!! -LadyCallie

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"The hardest thing in this world is to live in it."

If only I had fully understood those words when I first said them. I never really knew how painful living could be. It's hard to move, hard to think, hard to breathe. Every morning I wake up knowing I have to fight with every fiber of my being to get through the day, only to fall into bed at day's end, drained to the core and not be able to sleep. Sleeping means dreaming, and dreaming means remembering. Not simply remembering the heaven that I was dragged from, for I remember that every second of every minute of every day; that perfect happiness that I basked in freely, without a care or a worry. I was happy there; happier then I ever was when I was alive...except for once. The one time in my life when I was complete; my seventeenth birthday, the night Angel gave me my claddagh, the night we made love so passionately that he lost his soul and I lost a part of my heart forever to him. The loss of him, of that piece, was unbearable, but I would rather live that life forever then the hell I live in now.

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"If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow."

I'm so lost. It's like walking blindfolded in a place you've never seen before, and you can't take the blindfold off. Sometime your eyes play tricks on you—you think you see a patch of light, but then you blink and it's gone. You keep bumping and knocking into things, searching helplessly for light. I'm Helen Keller, only I've known the darkness in the light, and not the light in the darkness. 

Helpless. That's what I am now. There's nothing here for me. I stopped fighting, and found myself happy at last. Happy in despair. Happy in numbness. Blissful nothingness.

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"But I do know it's important to keep fighting.... We never win. We never will. That's not why we fight. We do it 'cause there's things worth fighting for."

And now this. This never-ending nightmare of a world I'm forced to live in. But it's not a dream. I can't wake up; I can't find relief from the pain. I had one source of comfort for a while, but it didn't last. Spike offered me everything, everything but the thing I craved most—release. I wanted to be free of this world; I wanted to go home again. And that was the one thing he couldn't, wouldn't give me.

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"Death is your gift."

I don't think I'm strong enough to give it to myself even. The world is spinning and my head aches with a slow deep thudding, like a bass drum. It pluses with my heartbeat, pushing against this tortured body I'm forced to inhibit. Straining, searching for the smallest crack in my will to burst though and destroy me, body and soul.

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"I'm counting on you ... to protect her."

"Till the end of the world." 

And with every breath I take, I'm tempted to let it out, to finally end this madness. But I don't. I can't, not yet. I have to make sure someone will take care of Dawn. Make sure she has everything she needs so she can grow up right and leave Sunnydale, find a normal life. A life I can only imagine.

So I will stay here, and keep going though the motions until I know for sure Dawn will be alright. Only then will I let the darkness, the fear and the pain take me over. Only then will I be free.

Until then I will walk through the fire, because I have nowhere else to turn. 

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Please review, this is my first complete Buffy fic. And besides, a review is like a smile. :-D

-LadyCallie


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